The break up can be just as toxic as the relationship was. Not only are you left sad and heartbroken; it can also leave you emotionally drained and withdrawn.
Some people jump back on to the dating scene too soon,
due to loneliness or the need to fill a void, which can turn
out to be a huge mistake.
Dating too soon can cause you too:
Make the new person pay for the mistakes
of your failed relationship.
Skip dating and jump into a relationship.
Expect too much too soon.
Put all of your eggs into one basket.
Give too much of yourself to soon.
Beware of the energy you put out into the atmosphere,
as it will be the energy you with receive.
Before you begin setting dating goals or even start the dating process again, ask yourself some questions.
Are your truly ready to date again?
Did you allow yourself time to heal?
Are you mentally ready?
Have you let go of your anger and emotional baggage?
Do you have a healthy relationship with yourself?
Do you know what you want?
It is very imperative to be sure of what you want, if you
don't know what you want, then how would you know
what qualities you want in a mate?
Try writing down the things you want in a relationship.
If your goal is to be married, then don’t date a person who doesn’t want to be married. Why invest your time and effort
and risk possible heartache?
If your goal is not to be married then don't date a person who is looking to get married - it only confuses things.
Be honest with yourself and your perspective mate.
Relationships are like anything else you set goals for and want to be successful at. Hard work and effort goes a long way.
Although it's important to choose the right mate,
try not to be too picky and overlook a great person in search
of your fantasy mate or soul-mate. Just because you may not have everything in common, doesn’t mean that he/she is
not the right person for you. Opposites do attract.
Dating people based on looks solely, can potentially be disastrous. Yes, you need to be attracted to that person, but
you don’t fall in love with their outer beauty, because it’s the inner beauty that really captures your heart. All else is superficial.
Although dating is a learning experience, don't make it so complicated. Dating is meant to be fun, so enjoy yourself .
Live Learn and Grow.
Our grandparents use to court each other back in what some consider the old days. Was that a bad thing? Let's briefly take a look at courting for a moment, the man pursued the woman and then man would ask the woman's father for his permission to court her. Sometimes the parents were the matchmakers. Courting meant you were exclusive, typically with the intentions of getting married.
Couples would go out in public places, which took away the temptation of sex. This also helped them get to know each other and simply have fun. Though kissing was allowed, there were some limitations as to when, where and how in order to eliminate the human desire of sex, brought on by the passion of being in the heat of the moment.
Courtship ultimately led to engagement and marriage for many, but didn't always work out back then either and yes some courtships ended badly, but there were guidelines. Did some couples not follow the guideline and break the cardinal rule of no sex? Of course, some couples were rebels and marched to the beat of their own drums. Could that be why some courtships ended bitterly?
Were the couples involved mentally ready for sex?
What if they had, had sex on the first date?
Could they have gotten to know each other better if they weren't romantically involved?
Did sex complicate things?
Lay your cards on the table. Be honest.
Don't expect something that you're not willing to give. Have reasonable standards. This doesn't mean settle, it simply means, don't create a checklist with an unreachable criteria, so that if you were your own perspective mate, you wouldn't even choose yourself.
Detox and never bring old baggage from previous bad dating experiences or relationships into your current one.
Let the person know what you're looking for, i.e., casual dating or exclusive dating. This is important, so you both will avoid any misunderstandings along the way and will know how to move forward.
Your relationship should never be cookie cutter; what works for
others may not work for you. just because a couple looks happy on the outside doesn't mean they are happy on the inside. If they have some qualities that you like, it's fine to see if it will work for your relationship, but be sure to create what makes you and your partner happy and build from there.
SEX ON THE FIRST DATE
With so many do's and don'ts when it comes to dating and relationships, how do you make the right choice?
Sex on the first date, are you truly ready for it?
It doesn't mean that you’re now in a relationship. It could just mean sex on the first date. Sounds a little harsh, but it's true.
Does everyone continue dating after that first night of hot or not so hot sex? Yes and no. Bad sex can be a deal breaker for many people. Some can turn out to be, just a one night stand. If you continue dating you may need to set some boundaries,
especially if you begin having emotional thoughts and
questions about sharing yourself intimately.
With Sex comes responsibilities; mental, emotional and
personal. For some women having sex with someone new
can be as delicate as having sex for the very first time. There’s a rush of thoughts and emotions and if she really cares for the
guy, she may confuse it with love. Although you hear this
more about women, it also happens with men.
Having sex with someone you’ve just met; well, let's be real,
it happens every day. People are Casually dating and they also casually sex these days, (Also known as hooking up)
Some are ready, some are not - Before
you make that move, make sure you're sure - mentally and emotionally!
The Morning After
Doubting yourself after the fact will only bring you
If you’re looking for answers to questions like the ones below,
then perhaps you needed to give yourself just a little more time
to think about it.
How does he/she feel about you now?
Will he/she call you?
Or even begin questioning yourself on, How you feel about
yourself or How do you feel about him/her?
Things people normally don’t think about.
What if the man or woman decides that you started off too fast
and now want to take it slow?
Are you mentally prepared for the break in physical contact?
Would you take it as a sign of rejection?
Would it become a deal breaker?
The term making love is often misused. Are you in love?
Are you mutually in love? it's not the same as simply saying,
"I love you." you can love your puppy, you can love a pair of shoes or your favorite movie. if you're not "in love", then your not making love. No matter how good or passionate the sex is,
sex is still sex until you both know and feel that you're in love with each other.
When your energies connect and your souls intertwine and you feel that perfect bond-that's when intimacy comes in and turns the act of sex into the art of making love.
How do you know when you’re ready?
If you are unsure, it’s best to have a discussion, starting with yourself first, as it is important to know where you both stand,
If you are only dating, you might want to ask yourself if this
is a good time to incorporate sex and then have the discussion
with the person you’re dating.
Are you still in the dating stage?
Are you casually dating?
Are you exclusively dating?
Have you progressed to the relationship stage?
Discussing sex beforehand can actually help you make the important decision whether or not to do it. Although having this discussion is not so common these days, It is important, because sex can change things.
After sex, there could be some major changes to dating or the relationship. He/she can become a little possessive and clingy. In his/her mind, dating can automatically become a relationship.
For those already in a relationship; is it understood that your relationship has now reached another level?
First Date Tips: Be prepared
Dating violence is also a risk!
Go to a place that you're familiar with
Meet at date location
Condoms (Just in case)
Be sure to have a fully charged cellphone
Carry cash on you
Let someone know where you're going
Give a brief description of the person (picture if you have one)
Pepper Spray (If legal in your state)
ICE (In Case of Emergency) numbers handy
Never get out too much personal information
Protect yourself - Have Fun!
Some end nasty, some may not, but either way, it’s not easy.
From the infamous words, "We need to talk" that dreadful and final conversation, which is followed by the awkward last hug/and or kiss saying goodbye.
When Do You Know It’s Over?
15 Signs that it's over:
When you’ve grown apart.
When you need your own space.
When sex becomes an issue.
When you start keeping secrets.
When It hurts more than it feels good.
When you start arguing for no reason.
When you start sweating the small stuff.
When you no longer say the words, I love you.
When you find yourself getting irritated quickly.
When anywhere else is a better place to be than with your mate.
When you start avoiding you mates phone calls and text messages.
When your become less attractive to your mate, although he/she is sexy.
When you excessively start hanging out with your single girlfriends/fellas.
When you start spending time with someone else that has caught your eye.
When you feel like you’re staying too long in a relationship that is heading nowhere.
When all of the core values; Communication, Trust, Love, Understanding, Honesty, Respect and Loyalty, are missing in your relationship, what choices are left?
Seeking relationship coaching, counseling
and if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to move on.
The decision is always yours.
It was as simple as, just saying it?
Back in the day when we were young we had paper dating, the cute little check “Yes” if you like me or “No”, if you don’t or would you be my Girlfriend/Boyfriend, check Yes or No. Pure innocence made it simple, back then. Even breakups were less complicated, because there was less involved.
Remember the words, “I quit you”? sounded simple enough, huh?
You were then mad for a couple of hours or a day or so, but by the end of the week, continued playing together, like nothing ever happened. Wow, it used to be all so simple, when we were young and free.
If only we can say the words, “I quit you” and just go back to
being friends, now.... not as simple, huh?
Welcome to adulthood...
Are there rules on how to break-up with someone?
These are very impersonal ways to do breakup with someone. Some may even say it's insensitive. It shows that you’re protecting yourself only.
It can be taken negatively. Your ex can think that you are selfish and
think that you probably never cared to begin with.
Think about it first, and then take action. It takes two to be in a relationship and you will not be the only one hurt by the breakup.
Can you break up as friends?
Maybe...it depends on the circumstances of the breakup and the maturity level of the people involved.
Do you just walk away and abandon the relationship?
No. If you abandon the relationship, there’s usually no closure.
Love yourself and your mate enough to know when to cut your losses and end the relationship. There's no need to put him/her through the whys of your decision to break up. Although, it’s clear there should be an explanation, but not a long drawn out story, giving every detail.
So, how do you breakup?
There is no easy way out. Start by being honest. Be clear on your feelings about the breakup, Make sure you're sure first!
Don’t, say let’s be friends if you have no intentions on being friends. Why further complicate things?
Never stay because the sex is good or because you believe you've molded him/her into the man/woman that he/she's become and no other woman/man should have what you've created. Ask yourself, Is that really enough to stay? I've heard those reasons so many times before and they are not valid reasons to stay.
Sometimes people look for excuses to stay, because they are either afraid to let go, be alone or are simply afraid of starting over.
Let's be clear on a couple of things. One, you can't change a person, they must first acknowledge that change is needed and be ready and willing to change themselves. Two, you cannot make a person stay,
if they want to leave, they will leave.
Some things are just out of our control. Though, we are in control of our own thoughts and actions. So remember to be accountable for them.
What if there are children involved?
If you have children, it gets a little complicated, Weigh your odds and ask yourself, does staying in an unhealthy environment makes it better for the children? Staying will also hurt the children, because they can feel the negative energy in the atmosphere. For the children's sake, handle the situation like adults and with care, but do the best thing for everyone involved. If you need someone to mediate, seek the proper authorities.
Not all relationships are made to last for ever,
if you have a good one, work on it and most of all cherish it!
The Healing Process
The decision to breakup is already a difficult process, so allow yourself time to heal.
Cry, be to yourself, but don't go into seclusion.
Release the hurt and pain, but don’t contact your ex, as it will make it difficult to heal and move on.
Don't be his/her doormat or booty call.
Every day is a new day to feel better and better about yourself, but make no mistake about it; you’re still in the healing process. Hurt doesn’t go away overnight, so don’t expect it to. Take your time.
Find emotional support from others who's been there done that and most of all, have allowed themselves to heal properly and not fall into the trap of rebound dating and relationships. Rebound dating and relationships are nothing more than subconsciously trying to find someone else to fill the void due to the breakup. I can tell you that it’s not the best thing or the smartest thing to do. You will temporarily fill the void, but it doesn’t help you in your healing process. The hurt from your breakup is real; masking your pain will only complicate things but in the long run you will not be able to fully commit in your new relationship.
Again, take your time. Don’t let anyone rush you back out on the dating scene. Be careful who you seek advice from, a broken person can only give you broken advice, which leads to more confusion and misconstrued information due to that person not being able to see passed their own pain and looking through hurt eyes.
Forgive and set yourself Free!
Start a new relationship with you.
Make yourself happy.
Explore and do new exciting things.
Love you unconditionally.
Find your smile again - Happiness begins with you!
In time you will get back on your feet and begin dating again. Remember, it's a process.
Love is still out there and will happen, when the time is right.